Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Standing Up For Yourself Is Not Selfish Revenge!

I have typed out several opening sentences, deleted them, stared into space for a while, typed another only to delete it as well.  For the record I am stating right here and now that this blog is not to slander, attack or cause harm in any way to any person.  This blog and everything in it is for my healing.  If you are reading this now you either know me or you know him.  For the past four years I have remained silent as far as publicly shaming my abuser.  I am sure I have some Facebook posts here and there that I shared in times of frustration or desperation, but I have never gone as far as I intend to now.  

My heart is broken and my life has been destroyed.  I take responsibility for my part in the last four years that led to me sitting on a bed, in a room, in my Fathers house with only my youngest son Taylor clinging to his mother.  He goes where I go no matter what and he has endured far too much heartache for a nine year old boy.  My three other children are not far from me.  They are living with their Father a few miles down the road.  I get to see them daily.  They come to see me willingly and stay and laugh, visit, eat dinner and just enjoy the togetherness of us again.  The days of not seeing them for months and then having five minute pit stops to hug me when their Dad came to pick up Taylor.

I said hello to someone in the grocery store today who I thought was a (mutual) friend to me and Erich (my abuser.)  I called out a cheerful hello but was not greeted quite so kindly.  The man was not rude to me but I could tell it was not a genuine reply.  I questioned him by messaging on Facebook and his reply told me all I feared that my abuser was continuing to do was true.  

I chose to leave Erich.  I chose to end the abuse by making the hardest choice I have ever had to make in my life so far.  I chose to leave because continuing on was hurting everyone.  No matter how much I gave or how hard I tried I could failed over and over to live up to Erichs ever changing standards.  I scrambled around daily doing everything I felt he had communicated to me that was necessary to redeem myself for past mistakes and be worthy to be with him.  I lived in fear daily that this might be the day I was again forced to leave our home.  I say our home because it is OUR home.  I sold my dream, my business and sacrificed all I had to achieve what we did together.  The only reason Erich has the power to force me and my children out of OUR home is because I gave him that power.  He communicated to me that our prior living situation in Buffalo didn't suit him and we discussed and planned how we would change things in the future, compromise and both be happy.  I trusted Erich would keep his promises and I fully intended to keep mine.

Life with my abuser was terrorizing.  I was questioned, accused, bullied and sometimes physically assaulted.  The focus was always on me and what I was doing and for this last round I didn't even own a car for 3 months out of the 5 months we've been trying to reconcile after he succeeded in divorcing me and ensuring that legally I was at his mercy if I wanted the life and the dream he had promised me when we made the choice together to buy the home he took and live the life he is living.  He didn't force me out this time.  I chose to leave.  I chose to end the constant unhappiness for myself, Erich and both our families.  

I'm not going to be very organized in presenting my side of the story.  I am not going to pour that much time and effort into explaining every tiny situation.  I have to earn a living and time is precious.  Everything you see here is my attempt to find healing and peace.  I remember a conversation I had with Erich on June 30th 2015.  He had moved out to live where his job dictated and he was at the house we lived in prior to moving so that we could throw a birthday party for his beautiful blue eyed daughter.  We discussed our future and we made the choice that night sitting there talking that we loved each other and we would fight all the obstacles to be with each other.  I shared something with Erich that night that I hadn't realized about myself prior to our conversation.  I felt that we were both looking inside ourselves and sharing our thoughts, hopes, pain and fears.  I felt that deeply and while talking I realized that one of the hardest and most painful thing for me to cope with was when I have been misunderstood or misrepresented and am not allowed the opportunity to explain myself.  To know that someone has a view of me and my character that is based upon the misrepresentation of others or through gossip and lies is something that cripples my soul and ability to have hope.

I am afraid all of the time.  Taylor and I live with my Dad and Alice.  They rescued me and they love me.  They sacrificed for me and they suffer through this with me as I struggle to live my life.  To live my life I need peace.  I need closure.  I need to stop being afraid.  I need to be confident in my decisions and not question every tiny thing I do.  I need to accept and acknowledge that allowing someone to dictate my entire existence was damaging to myself and my children and all who know and love us.  I have to admit that for four years I was the only one with the power to stop the suffering for everyone, including my abuser.

This may not ever be read by anyone.  That is ok.  There may never be one single soul who stands and says abuse is abuse whether it be physical, psychological or emotional.  There may never be a single soul who sees any abuse in the goings on of my life for the past four years.  If that is the case it is well with my soul.  It is well because I am standing up.  I am shouting loudly and I am not going to be silent and hang my head in shame and be accused and shunned.  I am not what he says I am.  I have never attempted to stand up and defend myself against his slander and lies.  I shouldered all thew shame and filth he dished out.  I knew the reason I became isolated in our home was because he couldn't be seen out with me being happy and in love, that would cause confusion and people might question his portrayal of my character.  He couldn't consistently allow me to have a relationship with any of his family or friends because then they might see that I am not who he says I am.

The hardest thing for me to swallow is when people who know me and also know him choose to turn their back and refuse to acknowledge I have a right to speak.  If he was worthy of respect enough to be heard when he told them I chose drugs or he kicked me out or I was lazy and did't contribute my fair share financially or that I was an alcoholic and a liar and a whore....  To those of you who allowed him to fill your mind with an image of me that is false I call you out.  I fully accept that I have done wrong and I have publicly apologized for so many of my wrongs and I have always made an effort to make amends to those I hurt.  I'm not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  But I am human.  I have a soul and a heart and I have value.

When I met Erich I was at a point in my life where I was more successful, more confident and the most healthy mind body and soul.  I owned a home with a husband of 15 years and 4 awesome kids.  My first marriage was not a bad marriage and I thank God daily for Chris and the kindness he shows to me still after all the hurt I've allowed to enter our world and the lives of our children.  

I cannot say that I regret loving as much as I loved.  I gave all I gave and I ended up where I am now because I put the man I love above all things.  When I left I was leaving for him.  He does not love me.  He does not love.  He was more concerned over whether or not I was going to take the deep freezer than the fact that 40 friends and family members were there to move me out of his life.  

Erich left me many times and each time he did I chased and begged and pleaded and was willing to do anything he asked of me to prove myself to him and nothing was ever enough.  In the end I left knowing I would never get a true apology.  I would never get the appreciation I craved from him and he would never put me first as his companion and partner above all other and all things.  He would never make right the wrongs he inflicted to my life and my children also.  

I have freely admitted and acknowledged my failures and wrongdoings.  I have behaved badly as well.  I have lashed out in anger, I have used substances to hide from reality.  What would you do if you had just blindly given over your entire life to the person you love and helplessly had to endure the horror of watching them break every single promise and take for themselves what is not solely theirs to take.  Before Erich my children had a safe home and I did as well.  Before Erich I owned my own business that I loved and had poured my soul into.  I handed those things over willingly entrusting that Erich was sincere in every plan we made and really wanted a life together with me as his one and only. 

Erich has no shame in what he has done.  He justifies it all.  Selling my dream, my business is what provided the money to begin our dream together.  He stole it.  He is adamant and smug that it is his and I'm worthless and deserve to be where I am.  So be it.... That's his version and he vomits it out to anyone and everyone.  I trusted Erich and gave him the power to do this to me but I protected myself from being blamed and misrepresented when it was finally all over.  When Erich left me the first time to move to Fair Grove he tormented me for a summer with an on again off again relationship.  I was struggling and trying to do everything he demanded but I had begun to recognize his sickness and the pattern in it all.  It was like a 500 pound boulder crashing into my chest the first time I discovered that he secretly recorded me sometimes.  He would provoke me until I was just overwhelmed and my emotions took over and I had an emotional melt down.  He would then record my hysterics and only share that and act as though I was that way for no reason at all or if there was a reason he had no idea why.  Erich has forced me to end friendships, family relationships and if I ever requested the same reasurrance from him I was bullied and attacked or he would blatantly refuse and be sure to rub in my face the relationships he continued.  

Now that I have painted a small picture of my truth I will proceed to share recorded phone calls, recorded conversations, surveillance camera video clips and anything else that I have saved in the last two years.  Erich used his recording and shared our text messages out of context in an attempt to portray me in a horrible way to anyone who would listen.  I haven't shared the recordings, text messages and video's until now because I had hoped that he truly intended to reconcile our relationship this time.  I always believed whatever he told me just so I could be with him because I truly love him.  I chose to leave an abusive man who does not love me and has made every effort to destroy my life as much as he can.  There was no just reason for him to do what he has done to me.  I am not deserving of this and anyone who can see the whole picture and still pat Erich on the back and excuse the selfishness, deceitfulness and outright evil behavior should hang their head in shame.  What Erich has done to me, his wife, the woman he swore to cherish and protect and put above all others is wrong.  He may one day say the words "I'm Sorry." He is not sorry and will never be.  He feels just and right in all he has done.

 Personally the way I see things... The people who work in emergency services are daily expected to save victims of danger or misfortune.  As I have endured the abuse from Erich for two years he has manipulated his co-workers and police officers and others with the authority or ability to stand up to him and hold him accountable for his wrongdoing.  He is the Fire Chief of Fair Grove.  He should be a man of honest moral character who has empathy and protects people from harm.   Erich has been allowed to hold his respectable position of authority as he ruthlessly played me for a gullible fool.  Where are the men of God who attend church services and worship an almighty all powerful creator and have a duty to defend the defenseless? Law enforcement officers that see the truth and instead of honoring their duty and holding the abuser accountable they just turn their backs on me or try to intimidate me.  Everywhere I turned seeking help I was greeted by a closed door.  I did not deserve this end, my children did not deserve this end.  So I do the only thing I feel I have left to do.  Expose the abuser.  Heal my mind, body and heart and guide my children in doing the same.  So here I go... about to hit that publish button and then proceed to use all my available data to upload everything.  

If no one ever cares or bothers with listening it won't matter.  What matters is it's there.  The truth is in the phone calls, text messages and video's.  I won't edit any of them.  No splicing and showing things our of context.  This was my life.  Daily accused and berated, put down and degraded, demeaned and taken for granted until the day I said no more and sacrificed for the last time.  I shattered my heart and my hopes that the promised dream would be once again given back to me if I could just prove I was deserving and worthy.  I left him.  He didn't beg me to stay.  He never loved me anyway.

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